Attachment styles describe patterns of emotion and behavior in close relationships. An insecure attachment style develops when a child’s needs for safety and nurturing are not consistently met by caregivers. This leads to difficulties with trust, dependency, and insecurity in adult romantic relationships.
Attachment theory was developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to describe how early childhood experiences with caregivers can shape attachment styles later in life. What were your own experiences like with caregivers when you were growing up? Did you feel safe, scared, lonely, loved? You can more deeply understand your own relationship style by taking a look at three notable signs of insecure attachment.
Anxious Attachment
Those with anxious attachment tend to be clingy and have an intense need for constant contact or reassurance from their partner. They have an excessive fear of abandonment or rejection, and may perceive even a slight change in their partner’s availability as a threat.
“…they crave intimacy but also feel insecure and undervalued.”
Anxiously attached people are preoccupied with their relationships and hypervigilant for any signs of distance or disinterest from their partner. They crave intimacy but also feel insecure and undervalued. This leads to compulsive behaviors to obtain comfort and security, like frequently texting or calling their partner when apart.
Anxiously attached individuals may interpret independent behavior from their partner as a precursor to abandonment. They perceive more rejection than actually exists and have an insatiable need for approval. Small disruptions are seen as catastrophic. This excessive anxiety tends to create distance and strain in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment
Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to emotionally distance themselves from their partner and feel discomfort with emotional intimacy. They have difficulty relying on their partner and trouble trusting them fully. They tend to keep their partner at arms length by avoiding the sharing of feelings or thoughts. Affectionate expressions like saying “I love you” may be challenging for them, reflecting a preference for emotional distance. When faced with conflict, they have a tendency to withdraw, steering clear of difficult conversations.
Seeking comfort or support from a partner during stressful times may not align with their inclination for independence. These individuals often prioritize a “me” rather than a “we” mentality, valuing their autonomy and preferring less closeness in the relationship. Expressions of love or acts of service from a partner might make them feel suffocated or pressured. To maintain emotional distance, they may engage in behaviors like flirting with others or emotionally cheating. Secrets and emotional walls become tools for emotional protection, as they focus more on practical aspects of the relationship rather than emotional connection.
An avoidant attachment style likely stems from early experiences with caregivers who were distant, rejecting, or unreliable. As an adult, those with avoidant attachment are uncomfortable with intimacy yet terrified of abandonment. They try to keep their partner at enough of a distance to feel safe.
Disorganized Attachment
Those with a disorganized attachment style have mixed feelings about relationships. They have a strong desire for closeness and intimacy but also feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. As a result, they tend to avoid getting too close to others. People with disorganized attachment have experienced inconsistent and unreliable caregiving as children. As a result, they have come to view relationships as unpredictable. They desperately want close relationships but don’t fully trust others. They worry about being rejected if they get too close. At the same time, they are uncomfortable being alone. They experience high levels of anxiety at the thought of their partner leaving them. They crave the intimacy of a relationship but don’t feel they can depend on a partner to meet their needs consistently.
People with disorganized attachment have experienced inconsistent and unreliable caregiving as children.
They desperately want close relationships but don’t fully trust others.
In romantic relationships, people with disorganized attachment often struggle with intimacy and are distrustful of their partner. They want to be close to their partner but feel vulnerable doing so. They worry about being rejected, overlooked or criticized. As a result, they try to protect themselves by avoiding intimacy and maintaining emotional distance from their partner.
Despite their distrust, they fear losing their partner. They constantly monitor their partner for signs that the relationship is in trouble. At the first sign of problems, they assume the worst - that they will end up alone. This activates their abandonment fears. Their fear of intimacy and abandonment leads to a push-pull dynamic in romantic relationships. They desperately want closeness but their distrust causes them to distance themselves. They idealize their partner when things are going well but are quick to find fault when they feel insecure. This activation of anxiety and avoidance makes relationships challenging.
Impact on Relationships
Insecure attachment can have profound negative effects on romantic relationships. The behaviors and thought patterns associated with attachment anxiety and avoidance put strain on couples in several key areas:
Communication Issues and Increased Arguments
People with insecure attachment often struggle to communicate openly and effectively with romantic partners. Their deep-rooted fears around abandonment or engulfment make it difficult to express needs and concerns directly. This leads to increased misunderstandings and arguments. Those with anxious attachment may become overly emotional or demanding during conflicts, while avoidantly attached partners are more likely to shut down or withdraw. These ineffective communication dynamics hamper a couple's ability to resolve issues and breed resentment over time.
Trust and Intimacy Problems
Building real intimacy requires mutual trust and vulnerability. Insecurely attached individuals find it extremely challenging to trust partners and open up emotionally. Their anxieties around abandonment or rejection keep them protected and walled off. Avoidant partners may seem independent and dismissive of intimacy needs. Anxious partners often desire closeness deeply but struggle to truly let their guard down. The inability to be vulnerable and trusting prevents relationships from developing deeper bonds.
Lower Relationship Satisfaction
In general, people with insecure attachment report lower relationship satisfaction compared to the securely attached. Their negative expectations, defenses, and problematic communication patterns make it difficult to develop stable, fulfilling partnerships built on trust and acceptance. Insecure attachment fuels dynamics like criticism, neediness, distancing, and control – draining relationship satisfaction over time. Partners feel like they are “walking on eggshells” and unable to get their needs met, leading to greater unhappiness.
Causes of Insecure Attachment
Insecure attachment styles often stem from early childhood experiences and past relationships.
Here are some of the most common causes:
Childhood experiences with caregivers - The attachment style we develop as children through our interactions with our primary caregivers often shapes how we attach in romantic relationships as adults. If a child’s needs for comfort, nurturing, and safety are not consistently met by caregivers, they may develop an insecure attachment style.
Past relationship trauma - Adults who have experienced unhealthy or abusive relationships in the past are more likely to develop insecure attachment patterns. Having trust broken or needs unmet by previous partners can make it difficult to have secure attachments in the future.
Low self-esteem - People with clinical conditions like depression or anxiety that affect self-esteem frequently struggle with insecure attachment styles. When someone has difficulty trusting that they are worthy of love, they may become anxious or avoidant in relationships. Building self-confidence is key to developing secure attachments.
Overcoming Insecure Attachment
Insecure attachment styles can be improved through intentional work and growth. Here are some strategies for overcoming insecure attachment patterns:
Therapy and Counseling
Seeking professional help through counseling or psychotherapy can provide enormous benefits for overcoming insecure attachment. A therapist can help you identify the root causes of your attachment style, process past relationship trauma, and develop new patterns of relating. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, emotionally-focused therapy, and attachment-based psychotherapy are particularly helpful.
Building Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem often correlates with insecure attachment. Working to cultivate self-love, self-acceptance, and self-confidence can strengthen your sense of self-worth. This provides a foundation for showing up in relationships in a healthier way. Practices like daily affirmations, mindfulness, and structured self-care can boost self-esteem.
Developing Communication Skills
Insecurely attached individuals often struggle to communicate their emotional needs and boundaries in relationships. Learning skills like active listening, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, and nonviolent communication can lead to vulnerability and intimacy with partners. Improving communication patterns helps create secure, stable attachments. With determination and support, those with insecure attachment styles can develop new patterns. Seeking security in yourself first is the route to finding security in relationships.
Seeking Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is characterized by closeness and trust between partners, allowing each person to be both intimate and autonomous in the relationship. Those with secure attachment feel safe opening up to their partner and expressing their true thoughts and feelings. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. Partners with secure attachment styles are able to balance their need for closeness with their need for space. This allows each partner to thrive as an individual while also nurturing a meaningful connection.
Securely attached couples trust each other and communicate openly. They don’t play games or attempt to provoke jealousy in each other. Mutual trust is a key characteristic of secure attachment. Each partner can trust the other to be caring, responsive, and engaged in the relationship. They feel confident their partner will be there for them during good times and bad. There’s a sense of dependability and faith in the relationship. Respect is also integral. Secure partners value each other for who they are, respect each other’s boundaries, and support each other’s personal growth. While they feel free to make requests, they don’t demand or expect their partners to change.
Intimacy comes more easily to securely attached couples. Because trust and respect are already established, they can be emotionally and physically vulnerable with each other. Intimacy strengthens their mutual connection. Interdependence is another feature. While securely attached partners don’t rely solely on each other to meet their needs, they feel happier and more fulfilled together. They influence each other but also maintain a sense of self. The relationship adds value but isn’t their entire life. Developing a secure attachment style requires self-awareness, communication skills, and a willingness to create healthy relationship dynamics. But with mutual effort, trust, respect and intimacy can flourish.
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